Children of Character

Life lessons, he says

2009-09-17T23:09:00.000-04:00

My youngest granddaughter, the four year old, is in the hospital for a few days. She has asthma and was having trouble breathing so my son took her to the emergency room yesterday afternoon. When he phoned me at work to let me know, he said it was just a precaution, that it was safer for her. The doctor decided to keep her for a few days to get her oxygen level where it needs to be. He thinks she has a respiratory infection but the test results aren't back yet. She's doing well.

My granddaughter is such a trooper. She knows she has to keep the oxygen mask on and she does it without complaining. She said a nurse had tried "the thing that goes in my nose but I didn't like it." Tonight I told her that she might think about trying it again, that lots of people use those nose things and it just takes a little time to get used to it and it would probably be more comfortable than the mask that keeps slipping. She's thinking about it.

Before I went to the hospital this afternoon I stopped at the nearest store, a dollar store, to get a coloring book, crayons, and two story books. While I was there I wondered if I should get the same type things for my youngest grandson, who's a year older than his hospitalized sister. They're very close and she's getting stuff and he's not. I decided not to get anything thing for him because I didn't think my son would agree with it. Tonight when we left the hospital I asked my son if he wanted me to get a few things for the youngest boy. "No. I told him today when he was up here to see her that if he was in the hospital he would get stuff and his sister wouldn't. It's a life lesson, Mom. My kids have to learn that things aren't just handed to them because they're who they are. Life isn't that easy and they need to know that."

Keeping secrets

2009-09-15T12:26:00.000-04:00

I'm not a great keeper of secrets. If you don't want someone else to know, don't tell me. It's not that I intend to blab everything I know, it just slips out. Not everything. I do have the sense to keep quiet about some things but I'm honest enough to know that secrets are not safe with me. I should know better... I lost a best friend in high school because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I didn't blurt out what she told me but when prodded with questions by another friend, I let go of the secret.

Secrets are a trust issue. When someone tells us something in confidence it's because he or she trusts us enough to listen and keep our mouth shut. When we don't, trust is lost.

Kids are big on secrets. They love to know things that others don't. Christmas or other gift giving occasions are times when kids are let in on secrets. I got Dad new golf clubs but don't tell. Joey is getting a new bike but don't let him know. Right. Most kids can't resist dropping enough hints that Joey knows everything but the color of his new bike. No real harm is done but the surprise is diminished.

As children get older, the secrets they keep are often about more important issues than Joey's bike. They don't want to tell because their friend trusted them with the secret but sometimes they're confused about the right and wrong of it. Someone was drinking beer, using drugs, is being molested, was stealing, planning to run away from home, or is pregnant. This can be a real dilemma for kids. Should they tell or not? My friend will get in trouble if I tell. I promised not to tell my parents. It was only one beer. No one noticed it was missing. This is tough for kids. They may not be old enough to see the potential consequences of just one beer or of sneaking out of the house late at night.

How can we help our children distinguish between being a snitch and helping a friend from possibly making a huge mistake? Discretion is not just about being discreet... respecting another's privacy or secret... it's also about using our own judgment and acting accordingly. There are times when telling the secret is the right thing to do.

If your child appears to have something heavy on his mind, ask about it. Let him know that you're there to listen and if he wants to talk about it, find a place where you won't be disturbed and a time when you won't be distracted. Keep in mind that this is a difficult situation for your child. Don't make judgments about his friend or say things like "I told you I didn't like him." Your goal here is to help your child be a friend to someone who may not appreciate the effort, at least right now. Ask your child's opinion about what to do to help his friend and offer your own suggestions.

There may be no easy answers. Let your child know that he has not let his friend down by telling his secret. I think part of growing up is making that first hard decision. It helps us define who we are and what we believe in.

I also believe that when our kids trust us enough to talk about important issues it means we're doing a reasonably good job as a parent.

Teach kids self control

2009-09-07T23:42:00.000-04:00

Self control is not calling the boss a jerk and walking out. It's not giving in to road rage, even though that creep deserves it. It's not slapping your husband for being an insensitive moron. We've all been there and later were amazed that we behaved so well.

When adults show a lack of self control, children learn from example. Self control takes many forms, such as controlling our temper, waiting in line patiently, not eating that extra dessert,or finishing our tasks on time. Self control is to think before acting, to consider the consequences of action.

I think there are people who are born with self control and then there are those of us who have to learn it the hard way. It took me years to learn to control my temper... almost fifty. Why? I learned at an early age that crying usually got me what I wanted and as I got older, it went from crying to temper tantrums. Why mess with works? I think I finally decided it's easier to just roll with what comes than try to fight it and look like a whiner.

At the restaurant where I work I see... and hear... a lot of children who haven't learned self control, children of all ages. I also see parents who have no clue about what to do or choose not to do anything. The other day a boy of about ten-twelve came in with a man, presumably his father. We knew the boy was there because we heard, "Why did we come here? I told you I hate this place. I got sick the last time we were here. Why did you pick this place?" This was not spoken, the kid shouted. Maybe he has health or emotional issues but I'm assuming he did not. Once they ordered, the boy was fine. His dad looked tired, like he'd done this before.

How would you have handled this? I would have headed the child right back outside and told him that he can calm down or we go back home. I would ask why he was so upset and suggest we have breakfast, then talk about what's really bothering him. Or talk right now, if that's what he wants. Then I would give him a hug and tell him I love him.

For young children, time out seems to work, a minute for each year of their age should be enough to let them know that hitting, biting, or throwing their milk at you is not a good idea. My son gets right at eye level with his two pre-schoolers and talks to them in a calm vioce. He lets them say what they need to say, usually to blame the other one, then he tells them what he expects of them... get over it, take a time out, or I'll talk to the other one. He tends to get good results.

As kids reach school age, they've learned right from wrong and know what behavior is certain to get them in trouble. Encourage them to take a few minutes, or at least count to ten, before reacting to a situation at school or on the playground. By now they should understand that there are consequences for unacceptable actions. No television, no video games, no allowance, more chores, whatever will have the most impact.

When tempers flare, get your kids to talk about it, find out what's causing him/her to be so upset, then look for solutions. Sometimes there are no solutions and things just are the way they are. Teachers and coaches are not always flexible and kids just have to go with it.

Family matters that cause anger are a different matter. You have to live together and home should not be a battle zone. Things need to be talked out and issues resolved. Hitting, punching, slamming doors, screaming, or kicking the dog are not allowed. Siblings, what can I say? It's little comfort now to know that they will probably be best friends when they reach adulthood. Right now, all you can do is encourage them to think before they act. Maybe walk away from a situation before it escalates. Remind them that it's a sign of maturity to demonstrate self control.

Here are two good articles at Kid's Health, the first one for you and the second for the kids:

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/self_control.html#

http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/emotion/temper

Stubborn children

2009-09-03T12:27:00.000-04:00

My son was not a particularly stubborn child. As an infant, he would eat most foods but there were a few I had to coax him to eat. He would look at me, eat the questionable food, then throw it up on the floor. I learned.

Hot summer days require short pants. I would almost have to sit on that boy to get him into shorts. I didn't think he wasn't old enough to know if he liked them or not but I guess I was wrong. He did not want to wear them.

Hygiene was always an issue. Washing his hair as a toddler was a battle every time. No matter where I put him or how I did it, he screamed like the demons of hell were after him. As he got older, bathing was an issue. I know that adolescent boys are like that but it doesn't take long until they begin to smell bad. Get in the shower. Did he use soap? No. Do it again. And again. I changed tactics with his oldest daughter, who acted exactly the same as her dad when it came to hair washing. I gave her choices but none was to go with unwashed hair.

These are really the only times I can remember when my son let me know he was not going to do something. (I'm certain there were many more.) It was if he was telling me, "Fine, I'll play your game but you won't have fun." He wasn't a child who dug his heels in and refused to do something. That came when he reached his late twenties and he's now in the mid- thirties and still that way.

It can be challenging to have a child who will not do what you're asking or telling him to do. (I have five grandchildren, all with different personalities.) There are ways to make your life easier. CNN has an article from Parenting.com about handling stubborn children. The author, Lisa Oppenheimer, states that sometimes kids just want you to hear them out, listen to why they don't want to do whatever it is. Other times giving the child a choice can ease the tension of a standoff.

The article also mentions something I've seen in stubborn children... they won't back down. That may be a challenge for you right now but it could serve your child well in the future. Yours could be the kid that won't back down to the bully, who stands up for what's right when others want to choose the wrong path, or stays with a difficult task until it's done.

Stubborn children are determined. As children, they often just want their own way. As they get older, that stubbornness can lead them to take on challenges that other kids won't tackle. And there's a good chance that your stubborn child will mellow as he ages.

Check out the article. The link is below.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/family/08/07/par.stubborn.kids/index.html

Photo by idahoeditor at morguefile.com

Kids can say mean things and they learn it from...

2009-09-01T22:13:00.000-04:00

Scenario: The ex-wife doesn't like Dad's new girlfriend. The ex-wife was the one who wanted to split and has had several boyfriends. Dad takes the kids and his new friend out for dinner. The youngest child, four years old, tells the friend, "You can't sit by me. I don't want you to sit by me." Girlfriend gets her feelings hurt and cries.

Where do you suppose the child heard something that would make an otherwise pleasant little girl say such a mean thing? My guess is from her mother. It's not fair to inflict our likes and dislikes on our children. They learn enough bad stuff from television and other kids and they certainly shouldn't be learning it at home. We need to be careful about what comes out of our mouths when kids are around and even when we think they're not... they hear everything except "Pick up your toys" and "Take a bath."

The child apologized because Dad told her to but I didn't see any remorse. (Yes, I was there, working.) The child told me, "But I said I was sorry." "That doesn't count," I replied. She knew it was an unkind thing to say when it came out of her mouth. When words are said to intentionally hurt a person, when you know it's wrong, does the apology really mean anything? I don't know for certain but I think not. And I believe that a four year old knows when he/she shouldn't say something. Is that too young to know?

What do you think?

Kids and reading

2009-08-31T11:10:00.000-04:00

I'm a reader and have been since the age of three. Books are wonderful things, full of magic and mystery and things I need to know or just want to know more about. When I was in grade school, my dad thought I read too much and maybe I did. He wanted me to play with the other kids, baseball and football and freeze tag. Sometimes I did but it wasn't my first choice, reading was. He once told the local librarian that she was not to let me have books for a time, that I needed to be doing other things. Fine, Dad. I read the encyclopedias that were in the bookcase in our living room and every other book that was there. I read cereal boxes and billboards and words on trucks.

Do your children read? I remember junior high and high school classes that had required reading lists. I really, really hated most of those books. I read them because I had to but I didn't like it and the sad part is that today's students are still reading the same stuff... Silas Marner, The Scarlet Letter, Of Mice and Men, To Kill a Mockingbird, Moby Dick. I'm not saying that these aren't great books, just that most kids aren't going to be thrilled by them and books should excite the reader to turn to page, find out what's next.

Reading is a necessary skill and handing kids books that they don't want to read will do nothing to increase their love of reading. That's why I'm excited about new programs that allow students to choose their books, within reason. The New York Times has a series about reading. The link at the top of the page will take you to Part 4. Check it out.

Read to your children every day. Take them to the library and let them choose books to take home. Help them to sound out difficult or new words. Pick up a book and do some reading yourself. Kids learn from adults. I know it's sometimes hard to find time for things you want to do but start by turning off the television and using the time you would have spent watching to grab that book and read.

Be kind to animals

2009-06-08T19:01:00.000-04:00

I was browsing blogs today and came across this post (click on the title up there) by a young woman who works at a zoo. She sees kids all day long and some are not behaving well. I would think... and hope... that kids who throw rocks at animals are few. But even a few is too many. What are the parents teaching these kids? That animals don't feel pain? That it's okay to torment animals? What happens when these kids start tormenting other kids? Bullies on the playground.

Most parents have said those words that sometimes have to be eaten: My child would never do that. Don't bet on it. If the child hasn't been taught that some things are just wrong, he may truly not know better. If the child has a bully for a parent, she learns by watching. If Dad or Mom kicks the dog, what's wrong with throwing rocks at horses?

As parents, it's our job to teach our children. I know that sounds like something you already know but apparently not all parents are aware of it. Just as we calmly show how to tie a shoe...over and over and over... we show our children how to behave by the way we repeatedly behave. When one of my grandchildren says a word that shouldn't come out of a child's mouth, I remind my son that the child probably heard it from him. If you don't want the kids to say it, don't you say it. If you don't want the kids to be bullies, don't be one.

Nice people raise nice kids. Kind people raise kind kids. Mean people raise mean kids. Be the kind of person you want your children to be. And be kind to animals.

Get real, parents.

2009-05-26T12:56:00.000-04:00

Friday evening at the restaurant. A woman in her early thirties approaches the server area with the condiment tray from her table. "Do you mind if I leave this her? My kids will destroy it." We turn to look at her table where there are two children, a girl about five and a boy maybe three or four. Dad is there, also. Apparently neither parent has any control over the children's behavior or the condiment tray wouldn't have been at risk of destruction.

Why would two adults want to let children control their space? Why would two adults want to have a meal in the chaos that these children created? Why would they think the others around them want to listen to squabbling during what should have been an enjoyable meal?

We tend to think of spoiling children as giving them too much stuff or too many things. Dictionary.com includes this in it's definition of spoil: to impair, damage, or harm the character or nature of (someone) by unwise treatment, excessive indulgence, etc.: to spoil a child by pampering him.

The real world is out there and one day children who have been allowed to control their parents will step out and find that life doesn't work that way. The real world has rules. We may not like them but still we abide by them. School, work, society, relationships, and social situations all have rules of behavior.

Kids and foreclosure

2009-04-14T12:13:00.000-04:00

I wrote this to be posted somewhere other than here but decided that this would be a good place for it. So many families have been affected by foreclosure and we tend to forget the impact this has on our kids.

It was the only home I had known and we had to leave. My friends were there and one set of grandparents lived at the end of the block. An aunt was two blocks away. My church was there. The minister lived across the street. The neighbors knew all the kids and looked out for us and scolded us when we needed it. I didn't want to move. I wouldn't know anyone. I was in junior high, an age of uncertainty for children. I left a medium sized school to attend a very small country school where everyone knew one other and their families. I hated it. I was different; I was a city kid in the country. The kids who took notice of me were the ones who skipped school and shoplifted. It seemed okay; I had to have some friends and the new kid couldn't be choosy. An A student, my grades fell to barely passing in some classes.

The world around us may have changed drastically, but emotions stay the same. Children who have known a consistency in their lives have new emotions to deal with when their lives are suddenly in turmoil. Home is our place of comfort and refuge. It's where we know that everything stays the same. Suddenly, when foreclosure strikes, nothing is the same.

Nearly two million children are expected to be affected by the current mortgage crisis. They will be uprooted and their lives changed by forces they have no control over. Changing interest rates, loss of jobs, health issues, and divorce have contributed to the rash of foreclosures in this county. While adults strive to figure out how to keep a roof over the heads of their families, children wonder how this could happen. Aren't adults supposed to keep jobs and pay the bills? How can they move their family from a well kept, upscale home to a rented house on the edge of town? Where did the money go? How could they let this happen? What will my friends think?

According to a report by First Focus, children who are moved from school to school fall behind their peers in reading and math and have a greater risk of being held back or dropping out of school. Changing schools and homes increases the risk of dropping out of school by 50 per cent. Children who change schools often may find the new classes to be far ahead or even way behind the school they just left, setting the scene for new challenges or classroom boredom.

Children who move frequently often exhibit behavior problems. Uncertain of how long they will be at the current school, children may refuse to make friends or join clubs and organizations, taking the attitude of “why bother; we'll just move again”. When foreclosure hits a family, the next house is certain to be in a less affluent area than the one they just left. Kids in new settings are often standoffish and defensive, sometimes getting into fights when they think someone has said something offensive. The First Focus report states that when elementary aged children change schools frequently, the probability of violence in high school increases by 20 per cent.

The emotional impact of stress and uncertainty can lead to health problems in children, as well as adults. Children pick up on their parent's fear and worry and may develop headaches, stomach aches, or behavior problems. Anger is certainly to be present in children who no longer attend the school where they played football or soccer or held the office of class president.

Many children whose families have faced foreclosure don't move to another house. The house of grandparents or other relatives is now the place they call home. Too many live in homeless shelters across the country. The Los Angeles Homeless Services Authority had requests for shelter from 620 families of foreclosed homes in the winter of 2008, almost twice as many as a year before.

Family meetings can help children to understand what's going on. They don't need too many details, they don't need to hear the anger and arguments that are certain to be going on between parents. Children need only as much information as they can handle but even a little can help reduce the fear that they feel. What they do need to know is that no matter what happens, the family stays together.

It's all about me

2009-01-30T10:06:00.000-05:00

I had another topic in mind for today but it occurred to me that that some of you may want to know more about who is writing here. I'm not a child expert; I'm a mom and a grandmother. I've worked in restaurants for 35 years. We sometimes forget that others are observing us in public but I've seen every type of parenting and child behavior in the years I've worked with people. That still doesn't make me an expert; it makes me an observer.

I believe that being a parent is the most important thing we will ever do with our lives. I believe that we all want to be good parents but don't always know how to go about it. It's not an easy task. I believe that some things are just not important and that we need to choose our battles. I know that we sometimes let our own needs get in the way of being a good parent and that makes us human. I know that there are days when that spilled milk is the last straw and we don't mean it when we scream at our child for spilling. There are times when the challenges of daily life get in the way of being the parent we want to be. I believe in common sense and feel that some child experts are lacking in it. Each of us has a unique life with it's own obstacles and we do the best we can, given our circumstances.

I'm also a procrastinator and I've waited too late to write this post. It's now time for me to head to town to see my adult son for a few minutes before going to work. It's a Friday ritual for us and we both look forward to it and the short visit. We gives hugs and share a cookie and a cup of coffee. The hugs are the most important part.

Imagination

2009-01-29T11:22:00.001-05:00

As a child I was more interested in books than play. Books took me away from the chaos of home and put me to more peaceful surroundings. Without the books, however, my imagination wasn't much. I can only guess how much of that is a result of my dad telling me to get my head out of the clouds. Now when I try to visualize, it's difficult. My imagination just isn't what I want it to be.

Kids have the ability to be whoever they want to be in their imagination. Providing props allows the imagination expand. A friend kept a trunk full of dress-up clothes for her nieces, adding to it when she found neat stuff at yard sales and second hand shops. Things around the house that you might otherwise throw away can be put in a prop basket; old phones, wallets and purses, plastic containers, play money, fabric pieces become capes and shawls, small blankets, old jewelry, large cardboard boxes. Use your imagination.

We've had a few snow days here in Indiana and, if I remember right, parents tend to border on insane when the kids are confined in the house for too many days. Dig out some of those old clothes and let them play dress up. Blankets or sheets draped over chairs make cool tents... unless you have one of those small pop-up tents..., throw a blanket on the floor and fix a picnic lunch, get out a tea pot and fancy cups and have a tea party. These are all things my grandchildren enjoy and kids are pretty much the same when it comes to fun.

Imagination is an important part of a child's development. It helps them to learn to think in new and different ways. It's creative expression. It's fun.

Being truthful

2009-01-27T11:38:00.000-05:00

I listen to audio books when I go to bed at night. It often takes me awhile to get to sleep so instead of tossing and turning, I let someone read to me until I drift off. The next night I move the CD's around to pick up where I left off. This week I've been listening to the latest NPR (National Public Radio) audio book of the program This I Believe. Listeners from all parts of America have submitted essays that tell of their beliefs, what holds meaning for them. Selected essays are read by the authors. It's enlightening to hear people tell about what's important to them. It makes me think about my own values.

Being truthful is important to me. Husbands and boyfriends have lied to me so much that it goes right through me when anyone tells me something I know to be less than the truth. Kids tend to stretch the truth and it may be a passing phase, something that kids just try, or it may be something they're learning from the adults around them.

When bad things happen we want to protect our children from it. Is that the best thing to do? If kids are old enough to hear the truth, should we hide it because it's unpleasant? The essay Telling Kids the Whole Truth by Martha Leathe is about being truthful with kids, even when it involves the tough stuff that we would rather leave till another time. Click on the title above to listen to the essay.

Compassion for others

2008-12-11T12:14:00.000-05:00

The recent situation with the Governor of Illinois brings to mind that kids can sometimes be cruel without realizing it. There are two children involved in the Illinois scandal, girls ages 5 and 12. Unless they're well insulated, they will be in school with other kids whose parents are going to be talking about the Governor and First Lady. What the kids hear won't be flattering and they will pass on what they hear. It's what they learn from the grown-ups.

This is a good instance to help kids understand how much others can be hurt by what we say. The little girls in Illinois had nothing to do with their Dad's alleged corruption but it's a sure bet that some kids will point out that their dad's a crook.

Wouldn't it be better to say that we're sorry for the problems their family is having and we'll be a friend if they need someone to talk to? Let's help our kids to show compassion for other kids who are in the spotlight and need a friend now more than ever.

Spanking?

2008-12-09T12:08:00.000-05:00

There are members of my family who think it's okay to spank children. Why would they do that? Why would a person hit a child? Dad paddled our butts whenever the mood hit him so why would we continue that barbaric tradition? Nieces and nephews think it's okay. No, it's not. I don't think my son was spanked more than twice and those were by his dad for setting fires with the neighbor kid. I will admit to giving my son, and now my grandchildren, a quick swat on the seat of their pants to get their attention, the same as my grandmother did me. Is that spanking? I don't think so. Spanking is being turned over someone's lap and smacked on the butt repeatedly.

Isn't there a better way to get the point across to kids? Take away TV (please), or phone privileges or the wii or whatever else is important in their life. Give them chores to do. Keep them home from an event they want to attend. I used to send my son to his room, out of my sight. I always told him I loved him but he needed to get away from me for awhile. Go.

The holidays are stressful and sometimes tempers flare. Kids are excited and often unruly. Remember that they're kids and we adults are the ones who are supposed to have control of them and of ourselves. Don't loose it this holiday season.

Forget the belt

2008-12-01T13:43:00.000-05:00

Little boys look cute as can be with their little shirts tucked into their pants with a nice belt holding the whole thing together. But can he unfasten the belt when he needs to, like in a hurry? Little kids get busy and forget that it takes time to get that belt undone when it's time to go potty. I was reminded of this yesterday when one of the boys had an accident and had to change clothes. He just couldn't get the belt unfastened in time. Save him the embarrassment and yourself the aggravation by forgetting the belt for a time.

Giving

2008-12-01T11:40:00.000-05:00

This is probably the best time of year to get kids in the habit of considering others. Christmas is the time they want everything in the toy catalog and every new gizmo on TV and many truly expect to have it all. Kids need to know that some children may not have anything for Christmas, not toys or turkey dinner or a tree. Let them know that there are ways to help and that they can be a part of it. Every community has places to donate toys and food or money. There are Giving Trees, toy and food donation boxes, food pantries, Salvation Army kettles, and more.

In our community, many people lost everything in the summer flood, including toys and Christmas decorations. The community is collecting donations of decorations to distribute to those who need them. There is a Giving Tree in the mall filled with cards, each one giving the age and gender of a child, sometimes with gift suggestions. Toys are collected at dozens of stores and at the fire stations. There is the Shop With a Cop program that can use more money to provide individual children with many needed items.

The Mennonite Central Committee has a Christmas Giving website that helps provide basic needs for people around the world. Cash donations help provide food, water, and shelter that most of us take for granted. Kids can assemble school kits to be shipped to school children around the world. http://mcc.org/christmas/

Kids aren't big on giving away their own stuff but they will dip into their piggy banks to help another child. Check out local or world organizations and let your child help another child. This will be a tough year for many families. People are losing jobs and money is tight all over but even a small amount can help. Give it some thought.

Before giving to a charity, check out Charity Navigator at http://www.charitynavigator.org/.

Halloween

2008-09-24T11:36:00.000-04:00

Halloween is just around the corner and you're probably scouting around for costume ideas. For you. The kids probably know who they want to be for Halloween. If you don't have the costume together yet, start now to look around for what you need. I recall the year the oldest grandson wanted to be Yoda. A mask, a brown bathrobe, and a light saber. Simple, right? Wrong. There was no Yoda mask to be found in the state of Indiana. All brown bathrobes had Joe Boxer stenciled across the back. We already had the light saber.

Scouring the Internet for all things Yoda, I finally found a complete costume somewhere in Idaho or Oregon. I did not want to bid on something on eBay for fear of not getting it. If you go there, be sure to look for the buy it now option.

If the costume is going to be really difficult to find or make, ask your child for a second option. Let him know that the costume he wants may not be possible. Maybe he can suggest something close, since kids have no limits on their imaginations as adults do.

Goodwill is a great place to find costumes and clothing to put together an original costume. Start shopping early and go often because things change there every day.

Here are links to two of my articles on Halloweeen costumes:

Simple HalloweenCostumeshttp://www.associatedcontent.com/article/59752/simple_halloween_costumes.html?cat=24

Make a Stunning Witch Costume

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/383172/make_a_stunning_witch_costume.html?cat=24

Who are the heros?

2008-07-21T16:37:00.000-04:00

Do your kids have heroes? Besides Superheroes, because we all know that Spidey and Superman are heroes. But what is a hero? Dictionary.com defines hero as "a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal".

When kids are small, Mom and Dad are their heroes and, if life is good, it stays that way. Most often kids look to sports figures, rock bands, and movie stars. We know that some of these are not the best role models for our children.

This would make a good dinner table topic. Ask about heroes. Did you have a hero when you were a kid or as a teenager? I don't recall that I did. I'm not certain that I do now, at least not without giving it some thought. But these three quickly come to mind:

Eleanor Roosevelt, quite a woman. She was shy and unattractive but stepped into the public spotlight when her husband entered politics. A quote: "I know that we will be the sufferers if we let great wrongs occur without exerting ourselves to correct them."
My mother. She maintains a good outlook on life despite the fact that she has lost both parents, a husband, two children and three grandchildren. "What would change if I moped around?", she asks.
My son. He has had challenges that people twice his age will never face and he keeps his sense of humor through it all. It would be so easy to become bitter but his theory is "If no one's dying over it, lighten up."

Find out about who your children look up to. Do they have qualities that you want your children to have? Do they help others? What sort of role models are they? Heroes need not be famous nor do they need to be grown-ups. Check out the My Hero Project.

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What they wear

2008-06-15T17:09:00.000-04:00

The local newspaper had an insert the other day called Parents. There was an article about children's clothing. Not about fashion but about the lack of coverage. This is aimed mostly at girls. I've had this discussion with my son and he tells me he's usually overruled. Who decides what your daughters wear? In most cases it the kids. That's okay if what they choose covers what needs to be covered but that's not the way it is in many cases.

It makes me crazy to see toddlers in bikinis and ten year olds in shorts that let most of their butt hang out and shirts that are made to show skin, not cover it. Does no one else see any problem here? Isn't this telling our daughters that showing off their bodies is okay? Shouldn't they learn that exposing everything should wait until they're older and preferably in the privacy of their home?

My thinking is that this is another example of parents concern about being friends with their children rather than being the person who sets the rules. Who's in charge? Obviously, it's the kids.

On a more positive note

2008-05-10T12:35:00.000-04:00

I don't always realize when I'm being negative. It occurs to me at some later time that I've been pointing out what kids do wrong but not what they do right. Yesterday I read an editorial in our local newspaper, The Republic, that reviewed the book by David Staal. The premise is that words matter and too often we say the wrong ones to young children. The author, a director of children's ministry, believes that these seven words or phrases can have a huge impact on children:

I Believe in You
You Can Count on Me
I Treasure You
I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me
Because
No
I Love You

There is also a section called "When You're Not The Parent", a good place for us grandparents to search.

This book is published by Zondervan, a Christian publishing company, but the book is not preachy, if that's a concern. It's written in an easy to read manner by a parent who works with children. It can be found here and is browsable online. Take a few minutes to do that and see what you think.

There is a search feature on Zondervan that will help you find where to buy the book in your area. I think it's well worth the $12.99.

Do they really need it?

2008-05-08T22:27:00.000-04:00

If you've read this or my other blogs, you may know that I'm not in favor of giving kids everything they want. As a child, my son didn't do without but he didn't get everything he wanted, either. We only had so much income, often no insurance, and his diabetes care took priority over everything else.

His children have everything they want and more. He knows it's too much but between the mothers and grandparents, it just keeps coming. More than they need, more than there is room for, and some that will rarely be played with.

Here in Indiana, the price of a gallon of gas is $3.79. That's right this minute, subject to change at any time. Doesn't this seem like a good time to introduce the word frugal to children? Frugal is defined as thrifty, not wasteful, or requiring little expense.

We all may have to curtail expenses just to keep up with the rising gas prices. Gas is just hard to do without. Travel is something most of us do daily, whether it's short trips to the grocery or a long commute to make money to pay for the gas required to get there. Parents spend a lot of time running kids here and there and maybe that's something else to discuss. Is the trip necessary? Can it wait until you're out running an errand so that two or more trips can be combined into one?

There is nothing wrong with letting kids know that some changes may have to be made because there is only so much money in the household. We don't want to panic them and have them fearful that they will be digging in dumpsters for food or sleeping in the gas guzzling SUV but letting them know that this may not be the time to plan a cross country road trip or buy more stuff is not unreasonable.

Frugality doesn't mean doing without. It can mean:

this is not the time to buy
do you really need it?
can we substitute something less expensive?
let's watch for it to go on sale
do you need all the bells and whistles?

I was raised by parents who were raised by Depression Era parents. Lessons tend to drift down and I learned to use it up and that it doesn't need to be replaced if it still works. Those concepts are not something that today's children would even consider. They want it and they want it now and they want it new and improved. Do they really need it?

Sharing

2008-04-21T22:33:00.000-04:00

Sharing doesn't seem to come naturally to kids. It's mine.

If it's mine it's mine,

if it's yours it's mine,

if I like it is mine,

if I can take it from you it is mine,

if I am playing with something ALL of the pieces are mine,

if I think it is mine it is,

if I saw it first it's mine,

if I had it then put it down it is still mine,

if you had it then you put it down it is now mine,

if it looks like the one I have at home it is mine,

if it is broken it is yours.

Two of my grandchildren are at the all mine stage. Riding toys created a battle of wills last weekend. Her legs are not quite long enough for the Big Wheel but she wanted it because she wanted it. He did not want her to ride it even if he was busy doing something else. Once when I told her to get off and get her own bike, she sat there like she was stone deaf. Twice I told her, then I just lifted her off. There were no screams or tantrums over the toys, just she's on my bike and I want it.

Kids are not sure they will get their toy back if another kid plays with it. It's out of their hands and into someone else's. Will they give it back? Will I ever get to play with it again? Once a kid knows that sharing doesn't mean giving away, things seem to go smoother. Understanding that the other kid is not going to keep the toy is key. Let her play with it for a bit then she'll give it back. It's still yours.

Summer means a lot of outdoor time. I need to find another riding toy that fits my granddaughter better. One that she will like instead of the tiny one she doesn't want to ride. One that's just her size and too small for her big brother. So they won't have to share. This is for me, not them. Keep it as peaceful as possible.

Teens and cars

2008-03-31T11:29:00.000-04:00

My oldest granddaughter is 16 and wants to drive. She asked me a question yesterday: Do I believe that all teens are bad drivers? I told her no, I don't think that's true. I'm certain that somewhere there is a teen who operates a vehicle in a safe manner. I'm joking, sort of.

Teens have the idea that they're immortal, that nothing bad can happen to them. They drive too fast, they don't pay enough attention to driving when they have friends in the car, they don't recognize dangerous situations, they talk on cell phones, they drive when tired, and they drink and drive, and too many neglect to use seat belts. Now I'm not putting all teens in this generalization but facts support these statements.

Of course, kids learn from adults and how many adult drivers do you see taking on cell phones in a day? Or weaving in and out of traffic, passing in no-pass zones, and doing other unsafe things that we know not to do?

I think my son could be a better, safer driver. Will he be the one to teach his daughter to drive? What bad habits will she learn from Dad? To drive too fast, to tailgate, to have the radio distractingly loud? ( If the radio's too loud, how will you hear that siren coming up behind you or the fire truck down the block?)

This is a fact: "Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death for American teenagers."
edmunds.com

I don't want my granddaughter to be a statistic. I want her to understand the responsibility that comes with driving a car. To realize the power of a speeding car. To understand that she is responsible for the safety of her passengers. To know that driving is a privilege, not a God given or Constitutional right. She needs to be old enough to recognize dangerous driving before she gets behind the wheel.

Two links for you and your teen driver:

http://www.edmunds.com/advice/womenfamilies/articles/44908/article.html

http://www.nhtsa.dot.gov/people/injury/newdriver/SaveTeens/sect1.html

Safety

2008-03-27T10:46:00.000-04:00

Is there a working smoke alarm where your children sleep? Have you checked it lately? If not, do it now. http://www.nwanews.com/adg/News/220957

Kids and bedtime

2008-03-18T00:24:00.000-04:00

I can't say this enough... kids do not need to be up until 1AM! I understand that parents work varied schedules and some work until late in the evening. Putting the kids on your schedule is easier for you but is it good for the kids? I don't think so. Maybe that's an outdated notion. Maybe it doesn't matter what hours they sleep as long as it's adequate.

Naps late in the day mean that kids don't want to go to bed at an early hour. And things sometimes happen that prevent an early nap. But what happened to parents telling the kids when to go to bed? I must have missed that. Who's in charge? Doesn't seem to be the grown-ups.

Going to bed does not mean talking for hours, even to yourself. It doesn't mean playing with toys that have been sneaked into bed. It means be quiet and go to sleep.

I didn't get enough sleep last night.

What do you want them to know?

2008-02-28T12:12:00.000-05:00

I came across a meme that asks what five things do you want your children to know before they grow up? Or your grandchildren? Or wish your now grown children had learned? Mine?

Not to follow the crowd. Be the individual you are.
Your thoughts are creative. Decide that it's a crappy day and it probably will be. Think about how great the day is and count on it. That goes for everything else in life.
You are responsible for your actions and there are reactions to every action.
Donate to charity.
Day dreaming is okay.

This is subject to additions. I may ask this question at work tonight if it's not too busy.

What's on your list?

Valentine's Day

2008-02-09T19:18:00.001-05:00

When we start giving gifts to our children and grandchildren on Valentine's Day? Or rather, when did other people? I don't. I send a card and an I love you... hugs and kisses.

I've seen young mothers buying carts full of stuff... candy, stuffed animals, clothes, anything red or with hearts... for their kids for Valentine's Day! Did Hallmark start this tradition, too? What happened to a day just for sweethearts?

Kids have enough stuff, so don't do it. Give them a hug and bake pink cupcakes or something.

Kids need routine

2008-01-14T09:47:00.000-05:00

When my son was small, I had a routine for every day. Not so rigid that it couldn't be changed, but enough that he knew what was going on every day. That meals were eaten in the kitchen, nap time was shortly after lunch, bathing was an every day thing, and bed time was 8 pm.

Routines are not only for the kids. Every day I knew what time my child was taking a nap and for about how long. That was time for me to do things that I couldn't do with a little one under foot or maybe to sit with a book for a few hours. My time.

Today I don't hear or see that as much. When I hear a young mom complain that she has no time for herself, whose fault is that? Who's in charge, you or your child?

Kids will figure it out

2007-12-26T21:57:00.000-05:00

I just read a post at http://www.careermothering.com/ about children working little problems out on their own. They usually will, you know, if we just leave them alone. Two of my grandchildren are often fussing about each other. He did this, she did that, I did not, yes you did. After settling about three arguements in one morning, I just looked at them when they came to me once again. "I'm not getting in this again. You two work it out." And I left them to it. I don't have any idea how they worked it out. Maybe they just got over it since I wasn't playing anymore.

If toys are being thrown or hair pulled, it's a good idea to step in. But sometimes we just need to leave them to figure it out amoung themselves.

Children are people

2007-03-23T11:15:00.000-04:00

Please treat your children like they are people, because they are. They may not have the life experience that you do but they do have the same feelings. No one likes to be talked down to, as if they were stupid. No one likes to be told they're stupid. Stupid is actually a word I despise and rarely use, because what a person does may be a stupid action but it doesn't make him or her stupid.

Please don't force your kids to eat foods that they truly don't like. Taste it to find out, then let it go. Dinner time should not be a battlefield. You don't eat what you don't like; kids shouldn't have to either. Don't wait to make this decision until the kid throws up his dinner.

Kids need to be heard. They should be included in decision making, whether it be where to go on vacation or forms of discipline. If it involves them, they should be allowed input. You don't have to agree and they need to understand that as the parent, you have the final decision.

Everyone likes to be treated well and lessons learned as children go with us for life.

Toys

2007-03-04T13:35:00.000-05:00

Between the gifts at Christmas and the birthdays that follow close behind, my grandchildren have way too many toys. No doubt, yours do too. I've suggested to my son that some of the toys get put away out of sight to be brought out another day in the future when they will seem like new toys. Out of sight, out of mind.

And batteries. If you're not going to replace dead batteries, don't buy toys that use them. "Grandma, this not work." How disappointing is that to a child?

This post is because I've got to find some storage for the kid's toys. Piling everything in a toy box just doesn't make sense to me. Everything jumbled, parts and pieces scattered, not good. Shelves with bins are what I'm after. A place for all the little stuff, easy to sort, and it will help the kids learn how to put things where they belong.

Let them know they're loved

2006-10-31T13:49:00.000-05:00

Parents show love in many ways. I see so many parents who seem to think that letting their children get away with poor behavior is a good thing, because setting limits and giving disipline may cause their child to feel bad. Guess what? Letting your child get away with acting like a brat will someday come back and bite you on the butt. Kids who act like brats are not the ones with lots of friends, not the ones chosen first, second, or third to play games, not the ones invited to parties, and not the ones adults want to be around. Your child may be the most beautiful child ever created by God, but if he acts like a brat, who cares? There is a sign that hangs in my living room that says Because Nice Matters. Believe it.

There's a family that comes into the restaurant about once or twice a month. It's sad to hear the mother say that she can't control her oldest daughter's behavior and attitude. I can't imagine why they bother to eat out because it's not a pleasant affair. They seem to want to hurry and get the whole thing over with because the three children are surly and rude and no one is enjoying the meal. I don't believe they enjoy each other, either. Grandma has to try to make herself heard over the kids, Mom just sighs and asks me what can she do, while Dad ignores the whole situation and digs into his food. Keep in mind here that the mom is asking her server how to control her children. While I try to remain neutral in these situations, my first inclination is to tell mom to grow up and remember who is supposed to be in charge, then send the kids to their rooms until they can show some respect to their parents. Of course, respect has to be earned and how does a child respect a parent who can be walked all over?

There have to be limits for children. They have to know that some things are just not acceptable. Sometimes the rules have to change and what used to be okay is now not okay and that's just the way it is. Parents should stop worrying about being popular with their kids. The best way to be their best friend, if that's what you're after, is to help them be nice people.

Where are your manners?

2006-09-03T13:55:00.000-04:00

Sometime in the past few years we've gotten away from using manners. Is it because we believe that we can speak our minds and say whatever we want and behave in any fashion that strikes us at the moment? Because we have become such a permissive society that anything goes? Whatever the reasons, they're not good enough.

Using manners is a way of behaving, our personal conduct. Using manners is more than not acting like a pig at the dinner table, it's also telephone courtesy, not interrupting others, listening when others speak, shaking hands, eye contact, dressing appropriately, and consideration of others.

A lack of manners indicates a lack of respect. And when we look around, we see a lack of respect in schools, stores, offices, on the playground, the highways, and at home. Home is where it begins. The "me first" generation is raising a "more me" bunch of kids who have no clue as to what is appropriate and what is not. An example of this is young people looking for a job who don't seem to understand that when they go into a business to fill out an application, they need to be clean, dress appropriately, have something to write with,and not take their friends along.

When all of us older folks die off, who will teach rules of behavior? Will society deteriorate more than it has because no one knows how to behave? Does anyone remember when men removed their hats or caps when entering a building and would never think of leaving it on during a meal? When people opened doors for others and said "excuse me" when crashing into someone's grocery cart? When children didn't interrupt adults to make demands? When people actually said "sir" and "ma'am", like they still do in the South?

I work at a small family diner. My co-workers and I counted how many children we wait on that have manners and know how to behave in public. The number? Five. Five children out of dozens. Five between the age of maybe 7 and 16. Three from one family and two from another. Two sets of parents out of the hundreds of people who come through that restaurant are teaching their children manners and how to behave in a public setting. That is more than just sad. It's a failing that may affect children for the rest of their lives.

That is not an exaggeration. Manners are a major part of the business world and those who don't have them may lessen their chances of promotion. Consider this article excerpt by John Heckers from the Denver Business Journal :
What's the No. 1 complaint of experienced executives trying to help younger workers seeking to climb that ever-steeper corporate ladder?
"They have no manners," one CEO said."

So if you think it's okay to let your kids get by with rudeness and being ill mannered, think again.

Template non-change

2006-08-01T16:31:00.000-04:00

I was going to remove some of the ads on this page but it screwed up the sidebar again and I'm not spending the time it takes to straighten it out again. So we'll have to live with them.

Let them create

2006-07-31T13:03:00.000-04:00

Kids can begin to enjoy their creative side at an early age. Anything that makes music, involves paint, or can be eaten are things that my grandchildren seem to enjoy the most. Outside of safety issues, age has never been a factor in letting them express their creativity. Start them early.

Music is what we tend to think of first when discussing children and creativity. A tape recorder with a microphone lets kids hear themselves sing or tell a story or just say words. It's always a surprise to hear our own voice; I sound a bit like a chipmunk who enunciates well. We know that we need to expose children to music at an early age and since I have no musical abilities of any kind, my son and I used to sing and clap to John Denver songs when he was small. Grandma's Feather Bed was a favorite because it's sort of a silly song, the kind that kid's like the best. Your kids will probably like it, too. When it was time for school band, my son chose to play... what else... drums. He no longer has a set of drums, but he does have several sizes of hand drums that he teaches his children to play. I believe there are enough drums that all except the baby can play at one time, a real family noisefest. They often take the drums along when they get together with friends for an evening and everyone gets a chance to take part in making music.

Finger painting is one of the messiest activities I know of and one that almost all kids love. Little ones still in highchairs have been scooted up to the kitchen table where large paper grocery bags were slit open and taped to the entire surface. Then I taped together several sheets of white copy paper and fastened them with lots of tape to the brown layer. Open the finger paints and and the artist can create. An old t-shirt works well to keep from ruining good clothes.

The end of summer is a good time to find unpainted wooden birdhouses that can be saved for a spring project. An aunt once found them for a dollar each and bought one hundred of them. It was too good of a bargain to pass up and I think we still have some left. I let the grandkids paint the houses in any way they want, then I drilled a hole in the bottom and inserted a dowel rod. The colorful little houses stand in the bed of lily-of-the-valley, a flashy spot in an area that would otherwise be uninteresting. Each spring the kids decide that the houses need to be refreshed so they pull them out and repaint. It's their project and one they're all proud of.

Baking is usually one of the first creative endeavors for my grandchildren. Kids love cookies and brownies and they're even tastier when they have a hand in making them. Box brownies and cake mixes are always on the baking shelf that is right at kid level. The chocolate chip cookie recipe is on a decorative tin that sits on the countertop. The kids pretty much know where everything is kept and if they want to bake, they just head to the kitchen and get started. (I'm always nearby to see that everything runs accident free.) They need a bit more guidance when it comes to biscuits and cinnamon rolls, but once they know what to do, they want to do it without my fingers in it. They're also more eager to share with the neighborhood kids when they can say, "I made this myself."

You know that there will be messes when kids get creative with paint, so be prepared. An old t-shirt saves the good clothes and lots of newspapers will protect everything else. When baking, my grandchildren like to wear aprons, so if you're handy with a sewing machine, make some kid-sized aprons or if you're like me, look for small ones at yard sales or second hand shops.

Kids are proud of themselves when they have completed a project, no matter how big or small. Be there to help them through any difficult stages but back off when they no longer need your assistance. I often take pictures of the various stages of a project and the ones that take place in the kitchen usually feature chocolate smiles. One more thing. Be sure to let the kids know you're proud of their accomplishments, too.

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Dip sticks and poetry

2006-07-23T15:14:00.000-04:00

Most kids like to learn new things. Last night, way past his bedtime, my seven year old grandson and I were talking about him going into second grade this fall. He said something about science and I was surprised to learn that last year he had a science class separate from his regular first grade studies. I was impressed and more so when I found that he likes the subject. We also talked a bit about math and he said he hadn't learned to do "times" yet. I explained how that worked and he said that it made sense. Then he asked me to be quiet because he needed to sleep.

In the restaurant world we say that presentation is everything. That applies to learning, as well. There are opportunities every day to let our kids learn something new. It's going to be some time before the seven year old will need to check under the hood of a car, but he was visiting once when I needed to check the oil and water so I showed him how to do those things and explained why it was necessary. We then headed for the lawn mower so he could check the dip stick on it. He may forget before he needs that information but he may not. This morning I gave him baking soda and vinegar to pour down the kitchen drain and he was pretty impressed with the action he saw there. I'm sure he'll need to clean every drain in the house next time he visits. Now I need to find out exactly why baking soda and vinegar react as they do because he will ask.

My oldest granddaughter is at the teen-writing-poetry stage. She submitted two poems to online poetry sites and they were accepted for publication. I asked what other sites she had looked onto and she said that she had found very few. She's a teen so she's pretty computer savvy but she didn't know how to find sites that take poetry submissions. I showed her around some writing sites and how to get to those sites that accept poetry. It was all terminology. The word submissions was what she was lacking. Now she knows.

Learning is not always about the subjects taught in school. It's how does that work? and why do you have to do that? and what happens if you don't? It's also about day to day stuff. How to sort laundry and feed the pets and use Google for best results and when to right click and chocolate will melt in summer heat and how to pack a cooler and how to keep food cold for a short time if there is no cooler. Common sense knowledge is severely lacking in today's younger generations and I don't want my grandchildren to be in that group. So I use every opportunity to teach them something new and useful.

Kids and affirmations

2006-07-16T18:23:00.000-04:00

I'm reminding you that I'm not an expert in anything. I'm a mom and a grandmother and I love my child and his children just as you do yours. And like you, it hurts me to see any of them sad or unhappy and all I want to do is make it better for them. Okay, that's out of the way.

Each child is born special. We know that but sometimes they forget. It’s not as easy to be a kid as it appears from our grown-up standpoint. Today’s kids have more to deal with than I could ever have imagined as a child. Situations that would never have occurred to me, things have always been around but that yesterday's children weren’t always aware of. Dysfunctional families, divorce, pressure to excel, bullies at school, TV and movie violence, real life violence, drugs, and more to come, I’m certain.

As adults, we also have a lot on our plates. Divorce, blended families, grandparents raising grandchildren, adult children moving back home, parents moving in, job insecurity, PTA meeting, Little League, dance recitals, gymnastics, and the state of the world in general. At times we, too, forget that children are very special and that they don’t understand our grown-up moods. We snap at them, we yell, we get busy and neglect to spend time with them, and sometimes we say things that make them feel bad.

I don’t pretend to know why kids are afraid of the things they’re afraid of. Or why some are prone to anxiety or panic attacks. Or why some just don’t feel good about themselves. Could be that it’s just a bad day or an upcoming test at school or an argument with a friend. All of these cause negative thoughts and negativity leads to more negativity.

I use affirmations in my daily life and it hadn’t really occurred to me that affirmations would a good habit for kids to start. Kids are usually open to new things, especially if it’s something that grown-ups do. Two of my grandchildren are constantly battling, having days when arguing and “he said/she did" goes on all day long. I try not to lose my temper over this behavior and sometimes I’m actually successful. Just before I get totally exhausted, I tell the two squabblers that they need to take a little meditation time and get peaceful, something I've taught them because I know how helpful it is for me. They both sit in something resembling a lotus position, palms up, eyes closed, take a deep breath, and they are quiet. It works. I’m not saying how long the peace lasts after they open their eyes, but I do believe we have had a better day afterward.

Mind Power For Children has a page of affirmations for children. Repeating phrases such as “I am a good sport” and “I am very creative” and “People feel happy when they see me” and “I can do anything I set my mind to” can have a powerful effect on a child… a powerfully positive effect. Print them in colorful letters and tape them to the fridge. Get magnetic letters (maybe at a book store?) and arrange a new refrigerator affirmation every day. “We become what we think about most.” -Aristotle

Indigo Dreams has affirmation stones! I love these and plan to get them for my grandchildren. I buy very little for my grandchildren because, being a blended family, they have so many grandparents buying so much stuff that I spend time with them instead of spending money. And they don’t need more stuff. But these affirmation stones are bright and colorful and a thing kids can carry in a pocket to remind them of just how special they are. They are just about the greatest thing I’ve seen for kids in years. I might get some for myself. I am not an affilliate and I'm using these photos from the Indigo Dreams site without permission so keep it quiet.

I’m going to end this with a few quotes from James Allen, author of As Man Thinketh and many others:

“A man is literally what he thinks.”
“Good thoughts bear good fruit, bad thoughts bear bad fruit.”
“Our life is what our thoughts make it. A man will find that as he alters his thoughts toward things and other people, things and other people will alter towards him.”
“All that you accomplish or fail to accomplish with your life is the direct result of your thoughts.”
“A man can not directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts.”
“You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.”

And one quote from William James: “The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.”

Imagination and play

2006-07-14T10:00:00.001-04:00

As a child I was more interested in books than play. Books took me away from the chaos of home and put me to more peaceful surroundings. Without the books, however, my imagination wasn't much. Now when I try to visualize, it's difficult. My imagination just isn't what I want it to be.

Kids have the ability to be whoever they want to be in their imagination. Providing props lets the imagination expand. A friend kept a trunk full of dress-up clothes for her nieces, adding to it when she found neat stuff at yard sales and second hand shops. Things around the house that you might otherwise throw away can be put in a prop basket; old phones, wallets and purses, plastic containers, wooden spoons, play money, fabric pieces that may become capes and shawls, small blankets, old jewelry. Use your imagination. And don't mind the mess; your child is growing.

Imagination

2006-07-11T17:20:00.000-04:00

When she was a kid my younger sister had an imaginary snake. Every day at lunch there was a bowl of Mrs. Grass’s Chicken Noodle Soup… the only thing she would eat for lunch… set at the table for the snake. I don’t remember how long she kept this creature around, but I certainly admire my mother for going along with it and not telling my sister she was whacko.

My older sister and her friends played house or castle a lot, with me always taking the part of the kid who was told what to do by the father, aka my sister. We found old curtains to drape around us as dresses or gowns, feasting on sumptuous meals disguised as acorns and leaves and rocks. Often we had for-real Kool-aid that one of the for-real mothers would bring to us in little Dixie cups, sipping delicately like the princesses we were.

Fast forward to the present. My closets are full of things that I don’t wear but that my granddaughters love to dress up in. Wedding gowns and sequined dresses and a mink stole and high-heeled shoes. Tea parties are usually required for these events, using the finest china and dainty cookies. I sometimes hear them upstairs, playing house with the only boy up there taking on my old part… the kid being told what to do by a sibling/parent. If you listen, it can be a real eye-opener, too.

I recall walking into my son’s house and hearing him telling whoever was listening, “I don’t ever want to come home again and find my son in a purple skirt!” Laughing, I asked what color he would prefer. He was not amused. The girls had been playing “fashion show” and their brother wanted to play, too. While it was great fun for those girls to dress up their little brother in girl clothes, Dad was not laughing. I told him I didn’t think his son would turn out to be gay just because his sisters once dressed him in their clothes. The boy finally had to settle for modeling his new frog pajamas. Just a note for your sanity; be certain all fashion show participants understand that all clothing must be put away when the show is over.

One afternoon when it was long past the time for that same boy, about three or four at the time, to have a nap, I remembered my sisters and I making tents out of sheets and blankets, draping them across the backs of chairs. I suggested to my grandson that we make a tent and crawl in and watch a video from inside. He helped me to drag out blankets and chairs and he arranged and rearranged them until he was satisfied. We plopped some pillows inside and made ourselves comfy. He had to get up a time or two for more adjustments but our tent was where he took his naps for weeks after.

Video games are fun but they should never take the place of real imagination. Toys should promote play, not be play. With a little encouragement, I think kids would still play pretend. It lets their minds expand to “what if” and “it could be” or "it should be." There are no limits to what children’s minds will come up with if left to roam free. Tuning off the TV and providing some props to stimulate imagination could be more fun for your kids than you might imagine.

Sleep on it

2006-07-10T11:02:00.000-04:00

I have to touch on obedience once again after witnessing an incident between a neighbor and her 13 year old son. He's a good kid, fantastic at sports, worries about his grandpa, is good to the younger kids in the neighborhood, and is usually polite. But he's reached the age of let's-test-Mom. It's not a common thing for him but it seems to be part of the teen thing to try it a time or two. And he did on Saturday.

It was not a big thing... go see what broke when you threw that ball into Grandpa's yard. No. Excuse me?

It escalated from there. Whatever Mom said, he had to argue with, had to make some comment that just provoked her more. He finally did what he was told, but it was far more difficult than it should have been and a bit out of character for him.

His mom made the comment to me that he had gotten up very early and maybe his behavior was because he was tired. She sent him home and told him to rest on his bed for awhile because they had plans for the evening and she expected him to be in a better mood. I think that was a good call on her part.

Kids don't like the idea of naps at any age. We all need rest to be at our best (a little rhyme there) and too often TV and video games keep kids... and adults... from the sleep they need. Suggest listening to music or reading a book for some quiet time. The nap word doesn't have to be mentioned. If sleep happens, good. If it doesn't, at least he rested and that's better than nothing.

Restaurant etiquette

2006-06-27T09:26:00.000-04:00

This may be a recurring theme with me because I work in a restaurant that sees many children, most of whom have poor manners, if any at all. A 30ish mom and son of about 11 or 12 were in the other day and both said they needed a few minutes to decide before ordering. I asked what I could bring them to drink while they were deciding. The boy looked at me and asked in a demanding tone, "Watta ya got?" Bingo! I wanted to poke him and tell him that until he asked in a more polite manner, what I got for him is nothing.

Do the kids talk in this manner at home... rude and ungrammatical? Aren't they learning anything in school or at home? Of course, if the parents talk and behave in the same way, what else are the kids to learn? Children learn what they live.

Restaurant etiquette for children:

Politeness works every time. "Server" does not mean "servant" and yours should be talked to politely.
Try to keep most of the food on the plate or in your mouth, not on the table and floor.
Don't play with the condiments... salt, sugar, jelly packets, etc. Other people will be using them.
Chew with your mouth closed. Not one wants to play "see food", even at Red Lobster.
Don't run around the restaurant. It's rude and dangerous... you will be in the way and at risk of wearing the very hot food the servers are carrying.
Shouting, screaming, or crying is frowned on by the people around you. Parents, if your child is at the forever-crying-stage, consider other patrons before taking him/her to a restaurant.

There is currently an essay contest for children about the importance of manners in general, not necessarily table manners. I found it at Literacy News: http://literacynews.com/blog_c/2006/06/06/p158

And Rude Busters has a great page of resources to help teach kids about manners: http://www.rudebusters.com/etikid.htm

Family Day

2006-06-24T17:45:00.000-04:00

It seems amazing that, by Presidential proclamation, there is a day set aside as Family Day, September 25, 2006. Isn't every day supposed to be family day? I understand the concept. Many families do very little together, simply passing one another silently like ships in the night. Spending time together as a family strengthens the bonds of the family unit, actually creating a unit out of people who share the same house. It becomes not you and you and you, but we and us. Even teenagers will fall into the habit of looking forward to the time spent together as family. I recall overhearing my son talking to a friend when they were teens. The friend apparently wanted to spend the night or weekend. My son told him,"You can stay but you have to go home Sunday morning. Sundays are family day." And they were. My husband and I each worked two jobs, and while one parent was always home, there were often weeks when we were all in the house at the same time only to sleep. We set aside Sunday as the day we would all be home together. If I had to work, it was a short shift and I could count on being home around noon. That still gave us the biggest part of the day and gave my son and husband time to themselves. On winter days we may have done nothing more than snuggle on the couch under blankets and watch movies. Summer days might mean picnics or flea markets. Our plans never had to be elaborate and we often took turns deciding what we would do for the day. The objective was to do something that everyone would enjoy.

The topic of Family Day came up when I visited La Shawn Barber's Corner and read her post "Family Meals: It's the Values, Stupid!" She believes that the decline of our culture is due to the lack of family meal time. I agree with that. Families that have meals together talk and share ideas. When we no longer have that daily unity, our kids just drift along, learning from television and friends... not necessarily good role models.
http://lashawnbarber.com/archives/2006/06/22/family-meals/

Learn more about Family Day here: http://www.casafamilyday.org/pages/about.html

Eating out

2006-06-17T18:39:00.000-04:00

I don't know if this has anything to do with building character but it does have to do with making choices. So...

I wait tables at a small family oriented diner. We get lots of older folks, lots of kids and every age in between. Some are more fun than others.

The walls at the restaurant are decorated with prints of a portly chef in apron and tradition tall chef’s hat. In each print he is holding a tray of food, each one different. The family in the booth just under several of these prints were almost finished ordering, except for the boy of about four. When his mom asked what he wanted to eat, he looked up at one of the prints and knew exactly what he wanted. “I’ll have the crab.” Completely surprised and trying not to laugh, I didn’t want to tell him that crab has almost certainly never been seen in the diner’s kitchen. Instead, I told him that the crabs were not very good this time of year and that he would probably be happier with another choice. Okay, he said and went on to order his dinner.

I’m always pleased when children order their own meals and most do it well. They are given the opportunity to choose what they want to eat and, in my experience, they usually eat what they’ve ordered instead of what Mom or Grandma think they should have.

It’s amazing to me that many adults have no idea how to order a meal so let’s get the kids off to a proper start. It goes like this: entrée first, then the side dishes, not the other way around. Usually, the drink order will be taken first and the beverages served before order the meal.

If the child isn’t old enough to read, tell him what’s on the menu, starting with the entrée. He may have questions and don’t hesitate to have him… or you… ask the server for details. When the entree has been decided, read the side dishes and let him choose the appropriate number. Most menus offer two or three sides with an entrée. If your child orders two types of potatoes, that’s okay. Make suggestions but don’t make a big deal out of it. He knows what he wants. Next time you can remind him that it was a lot of heavy food to eat and that there are many other choices.

Hopefully, your child will not scream “I want French fries, I want French fries” as soon as he sees a sever approaching your table. Taking turns around the table makes it easier for the server to get the orders taken properly and get them served to the right person.

If it’s not a regular practice, give your kids a chance to order their meal next time you eat out. You may be surprised to find out what they really like and that they are willing to try new foods. And it’s a real treat for your server to have a child politely and knowledgably order their meal.

Character

2006-06-02T09:38:00.000-04:00

Character is defined as the combination of qualities that make us who we are. We want our children's character to include happiness, honesty, respect for others, following through on projects, following directions, being polite, consideration for others, and a host of other good things. The only way that will happen is if we teach those qualities and live them ourselves. Living them is the key. Children learn what they live. Telling them one thing and doing another sends a mixed message and and kids will doubt and probably ignore what they have been told. "Do as I say, not as I do" is not the message we want to send.

I see children every day in the restaurant where I work who have no manners and are exceedingly rude and loud. Parents seem to have no control over these kids and make no attempt to stop their behavior. How will these kids turn out in the future? We all have rules that we have to live by and learning that fact as a child makes us more responsible adults.

Spend time with your kids, talk to them about what's going on in their life, in school and with friends outside of school. If they're old enough to watch the news, get their take on local and world events. You may find their views very different from yours and that's okay. It means they're thinking.

You're in charge, right?

2006-05-31T14:34:00.000-04:00

This is an article that is posted at another of my sites, one that I no longer update so I thought it would look good here. And I'm at one of those points where I'm at a loss for words. Rare. This is not exactly about building character in children but more about our own.

You're the grown-up

I can be a screamer, for all the good it does. I know full well that it’s not the approach to take in any situation, but I do it anyway. The two grandkids that are always at odds with one another will fight and argue and I find myself screeching at the top of my lungs. The seven year old will cringe and sometimes cry while the ten year old just gives me a drop-dead look. And what have I accomplished except to scare one small boy and give the other one a sense of power? Not one thing.

Do you argue with the children in your life? Why? I’m asking so I can know if I do it for the same reason. Is there a point to arguing with children? None that I can see. I found myself doing it again yesterday when the seven year old said, “You’re arguing with kids again.” Good point, Hunter. Is this insane, or what?

Is there a reason we can’t make rules and expect them to be kept? Who is in charge here? Apparently, the kids are. And that is so wrong! We are the adults and we need to set limits and let the kids know that there are no exceptions…this is the way it is. My dad had only to turn to us with “that look” and we knew we had better shape up now or there would be hell to pay later. I hated it… and sometimes him… then but now wish that I had that same evil-eye power.

I can’t say that I had the discipline problems with my son as I do with his children, but there are differences. He is an only child and had no siblings to argue with, thank heavens for big favors. And our children are even more permissive with their children than we were with them and they have created monsters. I don’t believe in spanking unless the child is endangering himself, someone else, or destroying property. Serious things that should have more consequences than “go to your room.” My son, however, does think it’s okay when a parent can’t seem to get the kid’s attention any other way. I don’t know. Spanking was pretty routine in our house when I was a kid and I turned out okay, more or less. But spanking my grandchildren doesn’t sit well. Maybe it’s okay to spank someone else’s grandkids but not mine.

Kids seem to know that parents will very likely not follow through on the threats they have made so what’s the big deal? The big deal should be that the rules have changed. If, as a parent or grandparent, you make a threat of punishment, follow through. Don’t tell the kids that you’re going to pull them apart limb by limb because you know you’re not going to do it and they know you’re not going to do it. So keep your threats reasonable, like taking out the trash or cleaning the bathroom for an entire month with no help from anyone. Don’t tell them they can’t have dessert… a dessert lover like me finds that too harsh. Just follow through.

Frugal

2006-05-22T11:41:00.000-04:00

Americans are the most wasteful of people. How much good stuff do you throw away every day? Multiply that by 365 days and it adds up to a lot of good or usable stuff tossed out. And our children learn from us that it's okay to be wasteful. It's not, really.

Past generations used things until they wore out. If it could be repaired and used a bit longer, that's what they did. Not us. We have become a disposable society...throw it away and get a new one.

Being a tight-wad is one thing; being frugal is another. Frugal means to avoid waste or to involve little expense. Consider these frugal ideas for you and your children:

Left-overs can be used for another meal. Or freeze all the left-over veggies and when there's enough, make soup.
A t-shirt with a jelly stain can be worn to wash the car or be cut into rags.
Broken crayons still color.
Share that can of cola if you can't drink it all.
Have a picnic at the local park instead of going out to a restaurant.
Donate toys that are no longer played with to a charity.
Or hold a yard sale and sell those old toys to make money to buy new ones.
Not everything has to be a name brand.
It's okay to wear second hand clothes. No one knows unless you tell.
The newest model of anything is not necessarily the best.

Teaching our children to be less wasteful saves us money, saves the environment, and will put the kids in a better position to deal with the time they may not have everything they want.

Privacy

2006-05-17T10:31:00.000-04:00

Everyone has a need for privacy, even kids. Sometimes we just want to be with ourselves, alone with our own thoughts. And being alone lets us know that our own company is good, that we can be by ourselves and not always be part of the crowd.

Privacy also means staying out of stuff that doesn't belong to you. Toys, books, clothes, papers, computers. If it's not yours, ask before using it.

Our bedrooms are our personal space and should not be invaded except by invitation. Knock before entering. The person on the other side of the door will let you know if it's okay to enter their space. Everyone needs a place to call their own and that space should be respected.

Don't barge into the bathroom when it's being used by another person! Some things should be done without an audience and bathroom time is one of them.

If you respect your child's right to privacy, the odds are that he will respect yours and others.

Honesty

2006-05-16T11:52:00.000-04:00

It's difficult to teach children the importance of honesty when they see so much of the opposite every day. If we want our children to be honest, we must be honest ourselves and are we really? We don't want to go to work so we call in sick. We tell the kids that the booster shots won't hurt. We tell a friend that we have other plans and can't help with the yard sale when we actually have no plans at all. Not big stuff but not honest, either.

Kids tend to stretch the truth. I think it must be inborn. But we need to help them separate what they want to be the truth from what actually is. It's not necessary to make them feel like criminals for telling a lie, just to acknowledge that it was not the truth and stress that being truthful is important and necessary.

And be truthful yourself.

Diversity Awareness

2006-05-15T10:04:00.000-04:00

Diversity is the difference in all of us… race, gender, cultural, or sexual. Today’s kids are far more aware of diversity than any other generation. They are also more accepting of differences. Most children in America go to school with kids who have a variety of skin colors and many who speak another language.

Religious differences are still a problem in America, more so since 9/11. That is when we began to hear more about Islam and Muslims. Religious preference is a personal choice and we need to respect the right of each individual to choose how he or she worships their God of choice. People who kill others in the name of religion are radicals, extreme in thought and action and should not be lumped together with others of their religion. A Baptist may kill someone but that doesn’t make all Baptists homicidal maniacs.

Sexual diversity is a touchy subject for many parents. How much do our kids really need to know? Not a lot until they are old enough to understand what’s being talked about. That isn’t necessarily a certain age but more of an emotional maturity thing. It should be up to the parents, not the school system, to discuss sexual preferences and diversity. Read about California’s latest dilemma here: http://lnk.in/3n68

The world would be a dull place if we were all looked the same and thought the same way. Let your children learn that while we are all different in some way or another, we all have the same feelings of love, fear, joy, and hope. Teach them that being different is okay.

Politeness

2006-05-13T12:30:00.000-04:00

Being polite is more than please and thank you. Politeness is also consideration for those around you. I’m extending this message to parents as well as children because the lack of politeness is so wide-spread. Do you do any of these:

Let your children run around in a store, getting in the way of other shoppers?
Do your kids shout and yell and scream when in a store or restaurant? Or anywhere in public where there are other people, other than a playground?
When eating out, do your children leave most of their food on the floor?
Do your children throw tantrums in a store when you won’t buy what they want?
Do your kids take toys off the store shelves and leave them on the floor?
Do your kids run through parking lots, endangering themselves and putting drivers at risk?

We all know the basics of being polite but considering the general public is usually forgotten. People in stores and restaurants... customers and staff... are often bothered by noisy and unruly children and they shouldn’t have to put up with your child’s disruptive behavior. Teach your kids how to behave in public. It will serve them well in the future.

Following rules

2006-05-01T09:57:00.000-04:00

Obedience is an old fashioned word; to obey. I had those words taken out of my marriage ceremony. No one wants to be told to obey. But our kids have to know that there are rules to be followed, to be obeyed. Some rules are for the safety of our children...you can't go in the street, don't stick a fork in the toaster, don't stand in the bathtub.

Setting limits for children is the first step to obedience. When children know exactly what is expected of them, they are more likely to follow the rules. If the rules change from day-to-day, kids are confused about what's okay and what's not. Be consistent and consider the child's age. What is okay for your teen is probably not okay for a seven year old.

Be reasonable about what you expect from your children. Perfect behavior is not going to happen. Kids forget to do things, just as we do. It's not the end of the world if a bed doesn't get made before school. Close the door and see that she/he makes the bed after school. Don't disrupt the entire morning over something so trivial but make the point that it will not be an everyday thing.

We all have rules to follow and learning that at an early age paves the way for responsibily as adults.

There was a time when we expected nothing of our children but obedience, as opposed to the present, when we expect everything of them but obedience. Author: Anatole Broyard

Obedience

2006-04-28T11:25:00.000-04:00

A young boy was with his mother in the restaurant the other day. I guessed his age by the way he questioned and almost argued with his mom. Ten. Ten must be the age kids begin to question their parents and are ready to argue with almost any response. My son mentioned this very issue the other day about his ten year old daughter. She must have the last word. No matter how many times she's told "that's enough", one more word has to slip past her lips.

I came across what seemed to me to be a good idea for letting children figure out for themselves the why and why not of things in MegaSkills, a 1988 book by Dorothy Rich. When you tell a child to do something and you hear "Why" or "That's not fair" try this exercise. Have the child write down the pros and cons of the disagreement, such as why she can't ride her bike in the street. Pros: there's plenty of room to ride; I'm a careful rider; my friend gets to; there's not much traffic. Cons: sometimes I forget to be careful; there is some traffic; it only takes one careless driver to cause an accident; my little brother will think he can ride in the street.

You know whether or not this will work with your child, but I think it's a good exercise to help kids understand why there are rules and why they must be observed.

No experts here

2006-04-20T23:07:00.000-04:00

I just want to clarify a few things. I am NOT any sort of expert in child raising. I am a mother of a fairly well adjusted adopted son, the grandmother of five, and one of five daughters of a mother who raised her children with a firm hand and an open mind. I recall that Mom didn't always answer my questions directly but, instead, asked me what I thought about it. I had to think and reason things out. Then she would give me her answer, always noting that that was her opinion on the subject and that I would have to form my own. (This did not apply to discipline issues. There were no options there!) I remember a time when my two surviving sisters and I asked Mom her opinion about something we were going to do. "I don't know why you're bothering to ask me; you'll do what you want to anyway." Exactly, Mom. Each of us likes to have her input and semi-objectivity but we will make the final decision ourselves. Thinking for ourselves. Something we need to teach our children.

As for children, I believe that children should be treated with the same respect as any other human being. They are not our toys or belongings. They are people who need our guidance and teaching to help them to become responsible and caring adults.

In all things, common sense should rule.

Happiness

2006-04-20T10:33:00.000-04:00

A man is literally what he thinks. -James Allen

A grandmother came into the restaurant yesterday evening with two grandsons, one a very pleasant teenager and the sulky one was about ten or eleven. When I went to take their drink order, Grandma asked what he wanted; he didn’t care. How about this? No. Or this? No. It was the same when I took their food order. The older brother was extremely patient and helpful with his uncooperative younger brother. We finally reached some agreement on what this child would eat. I checked back to see if everything was okay, particularly with the young boy slumped in the corner of the booth. Grandma said everything was fine and he was just having a bad day. He scowled.

I work in a small blue-collar restaurant and I talk to my customers. They expect it. I sympathized with the young boy and said that we all have those days that just seem to suck. That brought the first real response from him. Yeah, some sure do, he said. But, I told, if we continue to think about how lousy our day is, that is exactly the kind of day we will have. If we set our mind to having a better day, it will surely get better. I told him that it has taken me a long time to realize that our thoughts create our reality and thinking pleasant thoughts will give us a much better day. He seemed to be listening and I know that his older brother was taking in my words.

Our happiness is up to us. Helping children to learn that they create their own happiness or misery is a valuable lesson. An early start with this will give them a head start on a good life. When your child is having a bad day, one of those when we are surly for no good reason, suggest that he think about things that make him happy or get him busy on a fun project. Let your child know that we can change our thoughts. And be the example.

Sharing

2006-04-19T12:17:00.000-04:00

Sharing and cooperation go hand-in-hand. Cooperation is working together for the good of all. Sharing is giving something to another. Sharing may mean letting someone play with your toys or working together on a project or dividing chores, giving of yourself.

Kids don't always like to share. Letting someone play with your stuff doesn't mean they get to keep it. It's just for awhile, then you get it back.

Cooperation is working together... or playing together. You get that toy for 30 minutes, then I get it for 30 minutes. (A timer is real handy here.)

We all have to cooperate with others in everything we do... at work and at home. It's part of getting along with others. The sooner our children learn that they will always have to share something and work together with others, the less they will struggle in any relationship.

My grandkids often bake together when they visit me. The one who can read will read the instructions to the other. Each will take a turn adding ingredients and mixing. Together they work to create something that all will enjoy. Cooperation and sharing. It works.

Getting along with others

2006-04-18T10:03:00.000-04:00

The past weekend was Easter, a time for families to get together. With half of all American couples being divorced, it was also a time for kids to spend some time here, some time there. Some couples alternate holidays but others want the kids to see all the family and split the day. Good and bad here. It's a good idea if the parents can actually agree on the time and duration of visits. It's a bad idea if arrangements haven't been clearly worked out in advance and the entire conversation deteriorate into argument. Now no one is having a good time.

Kids learn what they live. If the hear and see their divorced parents arguing every time the get within shouting distance of one another, it's a sure bet that they will think screaming and name calling is okay. If they see and hear calm and reasonable discussion, they will learn that that's a far more reasonable way to come to an agreement.

Kids also tend to believe that they are the cause of arguments between their parents. That does nothing to build self-esteem or a sense of worth. And helping our children be the best they can be is what it's all about, isn't it?

Fairness

2006-04-17T13:24:00.000-04:00

It's not fair! We've all said it at one time or another and some children say it a lot. Fairness is defined as "having or exhibiting a disposition that is free of favoritism or bias; impartial". According to that definition, many things that we say are not fair actually are. When we tell our kids that they can't do something, it's not that we're being partial or showing favoritism, it's that we're making a parental decision based on our experience and good judgment. Telling one kid he can have a popsicle and another that he can't is not fair and , in my opinion, any kid has a right to complain about it.

When a kid say that something is not fair, he usually mean that it didn't go the way he wanted it to go. If he didn't pass a test, the grading actually was fair; he didn't study enough. If she has to do chores at home, she's not being singled out; everyone contributes to the household.

Fairness is knowing that someone is a lousy ball player and picking him for your team anyway. Fairness is treating people the way you would like to be treated.

Some child experts note that each child in a family has individual needs and spending more time with one or the other is not unfair. One may need more time right now and that's what is fair. Explaining the concept of fairness to children can be a real trick. Maybe just say that fairness is doing what's right.

Behavior

2006-04-11T11:15:00.000-04:00

Behavior is the way we act. The way you act is probably the way your children act. Children live what they learn. Behavior is what makes people like us or not. It helps us to have friends or have very few who probably behave in the same way.

I often hear parents tell children that they are being bad. I don’t much like the words good and bad. Kids take things literally and believe that they are bad, not just their behavior. I much prefer using acceptable or not acceptable. When my son was a child and his behavior was driving me right up a wall, I would say to him, “Son, I love you very much but your behavior right now is not acceptable and I would like you to just go to your room for awhile.” I don’t know if child experts would consider that the proper thing to say but it worked for us. My son knew he was loved no matter what he did and that it was his behavior and not him that was making me crazy.

If we want our kids to behave well, we have to set the example. And they need to know what good behavior is, clearly stated. It’s impossible to do something if you don’t know what that thing is. Rudeness, name calling, laziness, poor manners, not putting your things away, cheating, being disrespectful, and lying are all examples of unacceptable behavior. Telling our kids to “do as I say and not as I do” is not the way to get good behavior. How is it at your house?

More accountability

2006-03-29T22:08:00.000-05:00

We all have to answer to someone at some time in our life. As adults, we have a boss or a supervisor who will ask us why we did what we did. We may have to tell a traffic cop why we were going 50 in a 30 mph zone. We may have to answer to a spouse for something we did that hurt his or her feelings. That's accountability. Children have parents and teachers and coaches to answer to. We need to help our kids give good answers, not excuses. Excuses are not acceptable. If a boy deliberately throws a baseball through the neighbor's front window, he needs to explain the reason why. An "I don't know" won't get it because he does know. Was it a dare, does he dislike the neighbor, or did he just want to see what would happen? Get to the reason. We all have to be accountable for our actions.

Wise words

2006-03-22T21:26:00.000-05:00

An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life...

He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf is evil---he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other is good -- he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Author Unknown

Accountability

2006-03-22T20:46:00.001-05:00

Accountability is being able to account for our actions, to explain why we did what we did. It's the ability to give clear reason for our actions. This means not giving excuses.

Why didn't you finish your homework?
Why did you feed the dog your supper?
Why did you go to Tom's house when you knew it was not allowed?

Children can reason at about the age of seven, sometimes earlier or later, depending on the child. An "I don't know" or "because" is not a reason. Having to account for their actions helps children to reason, to think an idea through and come up with an acceptable answer.

Teaching our kids that they have to be responsible for their actions is a headstart to a responsible adult.

Children matter

2006-03-22T14:48:00.000-05:00

Children are God's greatest gift. They are on loan to us for a time. Our job is to help them to grow into the highest version of themselves, teaching them to be the best they can be. But is that what we're really doing? I don't think so. What are our children learning from us and the world we have created? Too often our kids think that what they see on television is the real world, that the actions and behaviors they see on the screen are okay. And they're not okay.

I came across an article by Kate Hufstetler titled A Year's Worth of Character Training to Last a Lifetime. Read it here: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Hufstetler9.html It gave me the idea to flesh out her list and see how we can apply these to help our children grow into the kind people who are caring and responsible adults.

Building character in our kids shouldn't be a chore for us or them. A suggestion for teaching these character traits is to explain the word and talk about what it really means and why it's an important character trait. Keep it light and upbeat.

It's not only parents who have the responsibility to teach our children. Grandparents can have a lot of positive input, too. Kids tend to listen to grandparents more than their parents, anyway. We all need to do our part to help today's children grow into good and responsible people.