Life lessons, he says

My youngest granddaughter, the four year old, is in the hospital for a few days. She has asthma and was having trouble breathing so my son took her to the emergency room yesterday afternoon. When he phoned me at work to let me know, he said it was just a precaution, that it was safer for her. The doctor decided to keep her for a few days to get her oxygen level where it needs to be. He thinks she has a respiratory infection but the test results aren't back yet. She's doing well.

My granddaughter is such a trooper. She knows she has to keep the oxygen mask on and she does it without complaining. She said a nurse had tried "the thing that goes in my nose but I didn't like it." Tonight I told her that she might think about trying it again, that lots of people use those nose things and it just takes a little time to get used to it and it would probably be more comfortable than the mask that keeps slipping. She's thinking about it.

Before I went to the hospital this afternoon I stopped at the nearest store, a dollar store, to get a coloring book, crayons, and two story books. While I was there I wondered if I should get the same type things for my youngest grandson, who's a year older than his hospitalized sister. They're very close and she's getting stuff and he's not. I decided not to get anything thing for him because I didn't think my son would agree with it. Tonight when we left the hospital I asked my son if he wanted me to get a few things for the youngest boy. "No. I told him today when he was up here to see her that if he was in the hospital he would get stuff and his sister wouldn't. It's a life lesson, Mom. My kids have to learn that things aren't just handed to them because they're who they are. Life isn't that easy and they need to know that."

Keeping secrets

I'm not a great keeper of secrets. If you don't want someone else to know, don't tell me. It's not that I intend to blab everything I know, it just slips out. Not everything. I do have the sense to keep quiet about some things but I'm honest enough to know that secrets are not safe with me. I should know better... I lost a best friend in high school because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I didn't blurt out what she told me but when prodded with questions by another friend, I let go of the secret.

Secrets are a trust issue. When someone tells us something in confidence it's because he or she trusts us enough to listen and keep our mouth shut. When we don't, trust is lost.

Kids are big on secrets. They love to know things that others don't. Christmas or other gift giving occasions are times when kids are let in on secrets. I got Dad new golf clubs but don't tell. Joey is getting a new bike but don't let him know. Right. Most kids can't resist dropping enough hints that Joey knows everything but the color of his new bike. No real harm is done but the surprise is diminished.

As children get older, the secrets they keep are often about more important issues than Joey's bike. They don't want to tell because their friend trusted them with the secret but sometimes they're confused about the right and wrong of it. Someone was drinking beer, using drugs, is being molested, was stealing, planning to run away from home, or is pregnant. This can be a real dilemma for kids. Should they tell or not? My friend will get in trouble if I tell. I promised not to tell my parents. It was only one beer. No one noticed it was missing. This is tough for kids. They may not be old enough to see the potential consequences of just one beer or of sneaking out of the house late at night.

How can we help our children distinguish between being a snitch and helping a friend from possibly making a huge mistake? Discretion is not just about being discreet... respecting another's privacy or secret... it's also about using our own judgment and acting accordingly. There are times when telling the secret is the right thing to do.

If your child appears to have something heavy on his mind, ask about it. Let him know that you're there to listen and if he wants to talk about it, find a place where you won't be disturbed and a time when you won't be distracted. Keep in mind that this is a difficult situation for your child. Don't make judgments about his friend or say things like "I told you I didn't like him." Your goal here is to help your child be a friend to someone who may not appreciate the effort, at least right now. Ask your child's opinion about what to do to help his friend and offer your own suggestions.

There may be no easy answers. Let your child know that he has not let his friend down by telling his secret. I think part of growing up is making that first hard decision. It helps us define who we are and what we believe in.

I also believe that when our kids trust us enough to talk about important issues it means we're doing a reasonably good job as a parent.

Teach kids self control

Self control is not calling the boss a jerk and walking out. It's not giving in to road rage, even though that creep deserves it. It's not slapping your husband for being an insensitive moron. We've all been there and later were amazed that we behaved so well.

When adults show a lack of self control, children learn from example. Self control takes many forms, such as controlling our temper, waiting in line patiently, not eating that extra dessert,or finishing our tasks on time. Self control is to think before acting, to consider the consequences of action.

I think there are people who are born with self control and then there are those of us who have to learn it the hard way. It took me years to learn to control my temper... almost fifty. Why? I learned at an early age that crying usually got me what I wanted and as I got older, it went from crying to temper tantrums. Why mess with works? I think I finally decided it's easier to just roll with what comes than try to fight it and look like a whiner.

At the restaurant where I work I see... and hear... a lot of children who haven't learned self control, children of all ages. I also see parents who have no clue about what to do or choose not to do anything. The other day a boy of about ten-twelve came in with a man, presumably his father. We knew the boy was there because we heard, "Why did we come here? I told you I hate this place. I got sick the last time we were here. Why did you pick this place?" This was not spoken, the kid shouted. Maybe he has health or emotional issues but I'm assuming he did not. Once they ordered, the boy was fine. His dad looked tired, like he'd done this before.

How would you have handled this? I would have headed the child right back outside and told him that he can calm down or we go back home. I would ask why he was so upset and suggest we have breakfast, then talk about what's really bothering him. Or talk right now, if that's what he wants. Then I would give him a hug and tell him I love him.

For young children, time out seems to work, a minute for each year of their age should be enough to let them know that hitting, biting, or throwing their milk at you is not a good idea. My son gets right at eye level with his two pre-schoolers and talks to them in a calm vioce. He lets them say what they need to say, usually to blame the other one, then he tells them what he expects of them... get over it, take a time out, or I'll talk to the other one. He tends to get good results.

As kids reach school age, they've learned right from wrong and know what behavior is certain to get them in trouble. Encourage them to take a few minutes, or at least count to ten, before reacting to a situation at school or on the playground. By now they should understand that there are consequences for unacceptable actions. No television, no video games, no allowance, more chores, whatever will have the most impact.

When tempers flare, get your kids to talk about it, find out what's causing him/her to be so upset, then look for solutions. Sometimes there are no solutions and things just are the way they are. Teachers and coaches are not always flexible and kids just have to go with it.

Family matters that cause anger are a different matter. You have to live together and home should not be a battle zone. Things need to be talked out and issues resolved. Hitting, punching, slamming doors, screaming, or kicking the dog are not allowed. Siblings, what can I say? It's little comfort now to know that they will probably be best friends when they reach adulthood. Right now, all you can do is encourage them to think before they act. Maybe walk away from a situation before it escalates. Remind them that it's a sign of maturity to demonstrate self control.

Here are two good articles at Kid's Health, the first one for you and the second for the kids:

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/self_control.html#

http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/emotion/temper

Stubborn children

My son was not a particularly stubborn child. As an infant, he would eat most foods but there were a few I had to coax him to eat. He would look at me, eat the questionable food, then throw it up on the floor. I learned.

Hot summer days require short pants. I would almost have to sit on that boy to get him into shorts. I didn't think he wasn't old enough to know if he liked them or not but I guess I was wrong. He did not want to wear them.

Hygiene was always an issue. Washing his hair as a toddler was a battle every time. No matter where I put him or how I did it, he screamed like the demons of hell were after him. As he got older, bathing was an issue. I know that adolescent boys are like that but it doesn't take long until they begin to smell bad. Get in the shower. Did he use soap? No. Do it again. And again. I changed tactics with his oldest daughter, who acted exactly the same as her dad when it came to hair washing. I gave her choices but none was to go with unwashed hair.

These are really the only times I can remember when my son let me know he was not going to do something. (I'm certain there were many more.) It was if he was telling me, "Fine, I'll play your game but you won't have fun." He wasn't a child who dug his heels in and refused to do something. That came when he reached his late twenties and he's now in the mid- thirties and still that way.

It can be challenging to have a child who will not do what you're asking or telling him to do. (I have five grandchildren, all with different personalities.) There are ways to make your life easier. CNN has an article from Parenting.com about handling stubborn children. The author, Lisa Oppenheimer, states that sometimes kids just want you to hear them out, listen to why they don't want to do whatever it is. Other times giving the child a choice can ease the tension of a standoff.

The article also mentions something I've seen in stubborn children... they won't back down. That may be a challenge for you right now but it could serve your child well in the future. Yours could be the kid that won't back down to the bully, who stands up for what's right when others want to choose the wrong path, or stays with a difficult task until it's done.

Stubborn children are determined. As children, they often just want their own way. As they get older, that stubbornness can lead them to take on challenges that other kids won't tackle. And there's a good chance that your stubborn child will mellow as he ages.

Check out the article. The link is below.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/family/08/07/par.stubborn.kids/index.html

Photo by idahoeditor at morguefile.com

Kids can say mean things and they learn it from...

Scenario: The ex-wife doesn't like Dad's new girlfriend. The ex-wife was the one who wanted to split and has had several boyfriends. Dad takes the kids and his new friend out for dinner. The youngest child, four years old, tells the friend, "You can't sit by me. I don't want you to sit by me." Girlfriend gets her feelings hurt and cries.

Where do you suppose the child heard something that would make an otherwise pleasant little girl say such a mean thing? My guess is from her mother. It's not fair to inflict our likes and dislikes on our children. They learn enough bad stuff from television and other kids and they certainly shouldn't be learning it at home. We need to be careful about what comes out of our mouths when kids are around and even when we think they're not... they hear everything except "Pick up your toys" and "Take a bath."

The child apologized because Dad told her to but I didn't see any remorse. (Yes, I was there, working.) The child told me, "But I said I was sorry." "That doesn't count," I replied. She knew it was an unkind thing to say when it came out of her mouth. When words are said to intentionally hurt a person, when you know it's wrong, does the apology really mean anything? I don't know for certain but I think not. And I believe that a four year old knows when he/she shouldn't say something. Is that too young to know?

What do you think?

Kids and reading

I'm a reader and have been since the age of three. Books are wonderful things, full of magic and mystery and things I need to know or just want to know more about. When I was in grade school, my dad thought I read too much and maybe I did. He wanted me to play with the other kids, baseball and football and freeze tag. Sometimes I did but it wasn't my first choice, reading was. He once told the local librarian that she was not to let me have books for a time, that I needed to be doing other things. Fine, Dad. I read the encyclopedias that were in the bookcase in our living room and every other book that was there. I read cereal boxes and billboards and words on trucks.

Do your children read? I remember junior high and high school classes that had required reading lists. I really, really hated most of those books. I read them because I had to but I didn't like it and the sad part is that today's students are still reading the same stuff... Silas Marner, The Scarlet Letter, Of Mice and Men, To Kill a Mockingbird, Moby Dick. I'm not saying that these aren't great books, just that most kids aren't going to be thrilled by them and books should excite the reader to turn to page, find out what's next.

Reading is a necessary skill and handing kids books that they don't want to read will do nothing to increase their love of reading. That's why I'm excited about new programs that allow students to choose their books, within reason. The New York Times has a series about reading. The link at the top of the page will take you to Part 4. Check it out.

Read to your children every day. Take them to the library and let them choose books to take home. Help them to sound out difficult or new words. Pick up a book and do some reading yourself. Kids learn from adults. I know it's sometimes hard to find time for things you want to do but start by turning off the television and using the time you would have spent watching to grab that book and read.

Be kind to animals

I was browsing blogs today and came across this post (click on the title up there) by a young woman who works at a zoo. She sees kids all day long and some are not behaving well. I would think... and hope... that kids who throw rocks at animals are few. But even a few is too many. What are the parents teaching these kids? That animals don't feel pain? That it's okay to torment animals? What happens when these kids start tormenting other kids? Bullies on the playground.

Most parents have said those words that sometimes have to be eaten: My child would never do that. Don't bet on it. If the child hasn't been taught that some things are just wrong, he may truly not know better. If the child has a bully for a parent, she learns by watching. If Dad or Mom kicks the dog, what's wrong with throwing rocks at horses?

As parents, it's our job to teach our children. I know that sounds like something you already know but apparently not all parents are aware of it. Just as we calmly show how to tie a shoe...over and over and over... we show our children how to behave by the way we repeatedly behave. When one of my grandchildren says a word that shouldn't come out of a child's mouth, I remind my son that the child probably heard it from him. If you don't want the kids to say it, don't you say it. If you don't want the kids to be bullies, don't be one.

Nice people raise nice kids. Kind people raise kind kids. Mean people raise mean kids. Be the kind of person you want your children to be. And be kind to animals.